The Addams Family

If you could pinpoint a very extraordinarily eccentric person in your extended family, you should consider yourself lucky there. In my case, (counting here), I have at least three of them. That’s not even counting crazy-old me. But if I have to push it further, better yet, the three of them actually reside under one roof. Yes, they are my Uncle Gomez, my Aunt Morticia, and my explosive cousin, Wednesday… (You may insert creepy soundtrack here).

It all began when Uncle Gomez and Aunt Morticia met each other at my mum n dad’s wedding party. Innocently enough they fell madly in love with each other and decided to get married in another year. She was a playgirl, my aunt, before she then decided her mind on the very hardworking Uncle Gomez. At the beginning, they were all cute and cuddly. Oh yes, that was until my aunt -bored enough with her house chores- came to a decision to move an air-conditioner unit (window-hanging type) by herself. I did fail to mention that she was 8 months in her pregnancy when that happened, didn’t I? As you predicted they had a miscarriage of a boy, who would dotingly be called Pugsley Addams. Tried and tried again they did to conceive another heir. Alas, she –who’d never satisfied with any maid’s work, thus had to perform the housechores herself- had another miscarriage the next year.

She was stricken by anger and desperations that when she actually conceived Wednesday my cousin, she thought she was carrying a baby boy. So when finally Wednesday arrived in this cruel-cruel world, Aunt Morticia flipped and decided to raise her like a boy. Uncle Gomez didn’t do anything about this, he was so happy teaching Wednesday the art of playing toy-cars and toy-soldiers, consequently the word Barbie had never crossed Wednesday’s mind when she was a youngster. A total tomboy she became.

As a closeted queen in the family, of course she was an equivalent to a thorn poking on my eyes: A baby cousin who I couldn’t dress-up as princess and play castles with she was. Almost like having another younger brother at the end of the day. The situation worsened when Grandmama Addams thought that other little girls were just pesky little nuisances. Wednesday was stuck with us, was one of us, we forgot that inside she was still a little girl. Then she received her first period and her bosoms had grown regally like the trademarks of the other Addams women. She wasn’t allowed to go into the kitchen. She wasn’t allowed to date boys. She wasn’t allowed to touch makeups,

Fast-forwarding about a decade or so later, today Wednesday is around 26, looks and acts like 15, bad at socializing, doesn’t have any local friend –all the people she acquainted live in Hogwarts, her alma-mater-. By the way, did you know that she quitted her jobs faster than any computer graphic designer could in masking the obvious-bulges of Brandon Routh’s red undies in Superman Returns? No boss could tolerate her non-existent anger management program at any rate.

One day, Uncle Gomez and Aunt Morticia was worried about her future. So they decided to ask me help them in building her a grave-digging company, an activity she seemed to enjoy very much. Just invest a little that’s all, said Uncle Gomez. It so happened that they actually picked up customers faster than I thought it would. Glad that I had my little ownership there. But with her personality, one by one, her staffs left Wednesday because they couldn’t work under her. A monstrous personality with a decidedly unpredictable time-bomb upshot waiting to explode, they said. All was created and intensified by living under the Addams’ roof: an uber obsessive-compulsive mother who would conjure ugly-lies about her in-laws matched with a lack of control father. Heck, for all I care, Wednesday could or should already be a lesbian by now. (Hmm).

When Uncle Gomez and Aunt Morticia kept on fighting-hard at home, Wednesday opted to stay overnight at her office ever so frequently. And blasted the office the next day she always did for no apparent reason. Last week I called her upon a meeting to discuss her erratic behaviors and their effects towards the company. She became more frigid and agitated afterwards, not as I usually predicted.

Aunt Morticia then had to push her further by leaving notes at her windshield wiper. You know, regular love letters from a mom to a daughter such as: “If my presence is so unwelcome by you, I will leave your sight so far away”. Until one day, Wednesday called me in panic, this was what Aunt Mortie sent her in the form of an sms: “Goodbye darling, I am leaving you for good”.

With that note I sped up to their residence up on the hills leaving all my works and meetings behind. Panting only to find out that not only she was doing fine, she was also doing her hairs with curling irons while waiting for her nail polish to dry. I should kill her there. For being the drama-queen that she was. What if Wednesday -another drama-princess in the making- decided to slam her carriage into the highway separator because she was sick of everything around her? Did Aunt Morticia ever regret anything? I’m sorry, I didn’t think she was capable of doing that. The next day, Wednesday blasted the entire office again with a vengeance.

Yesterday, when Cousin Itt got fed up with Wednesday, he resigned immediately. When I got the call to fix the problems (again), I decided not to side with anyone. Let Itt had his way if he wanted to. This time I was tired of fixing problems. I went to Wall Street instead. With all my might I called my broker and bought all her shares in the listed company. And today, this I said to her: “Goodbye Cousin Wednesday, you’re fired! And I don’t give a damn anymore about you and your little pathetic life you have here. I am so fuckin’ tired already…”